For those it may concern…

     I have been asked by a certain party to no longer write about him in my blog. He  is apparently worried that something I may write will soil his reputation. I mean, heaven forbid anyone know the real him. Wether I care for him or not, he is playing way too many games, and he needs to start being honest with himself and others. I am sorry that he can't deal with the open book that I sometimes am with my life.

     Sometimes it's hard to deal with the fact that this person no longer cares for you, and is only now concerned with himself, and his own image. It just puzzles me to see how he expects me to not know when I am being lied to. I have eyes, and ears, and though I am not a super genius, I do have a good mind. He doesn't seem to understand that I have seen all these games before, and now that I have taken the blinders off, I know when I am being mislead. I cant even feel free to write about the events of the last 24 hours without wondering when I am going to get a phone call lecturing me about it. For those that really need to know, I write this next post…it isn't pretty…

I wish he would make up his mind..

     Why is it that someone that says they cannot be with you, will call out of the blue claiming to miss you? Trying to get over him has been hard enough without him popping up every few days to weeks to just stir those feelings up again. I'm not so convinced it isn't just because he isn't getting any from his new girlfriend, and he just wants to use me until he can have her. He doesn't understand that of course I am going to assume the worst of him now until he proves otherwise. I trusted him with our life and future together and he betrayed that, I don't see how he can expect anything but doubt from me. The longer I have looked back on the time we spent together, the clearer I have seen his selfish motivation in a lot of the things he did. He has gotten by in life on charm and the goodness and generosity of others, and probably will continue to do so as long as there is someone else waiting in line to take him in. Mr. Rockstar needs a serious reality check I just wish people would stop babying and bailing him out so he has to finally grow up for a change.

Just A Tad Confused…

I have no idea why my neighbors think that I am so bad off financially. It is true, I am far from wealthy, but over the last month my daughter has been given 3 pairs of brand new shoes, 2 pairs of sandals, half a dozen pairs of pants, and a dress. I have had dinner bought for us, received a humungous easter basket for her, and been invited over for random lunches across the alley. Who are these people and just what have they done with my neighbors?

Testing…testing..

Here is a testing page for my site…and yes, I know the links on the page don't work…they are to pages that haven't been built yet, so bear with me…Please let me know what you think.

(Much thanks to Syndel from Serenda Designs &  Seductive Fury for the lovely banner.)

 Heres the link to the test site:

Metal Angel

Wednesday Morning

It always seems that the tears come back at the most unexpected of times. I was sitting here at the computer earlier, and had media player on random when the song "You Still Smile" by Deliverance popped up. Not many people would understand why I sat and cried without knowing the song. It wasn't only the song itself, which is very lovely and sad I might add, but also another memory I have connected to it. My ex is a rather well known vocalist in the christian metal genre of music. I remember one evening when he was home him putting that particular CD in the stereo and singing along with the track while hugging me and sort of dancing (not that either of us really dance..it was more rocking in place) Jimmy Brown is a mentor of his, and at times, they do tend to sound eerily alike anyway. So the next thing I know, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out. Its just like I said in my post on valentines day:

 Even good memories can break your heart later, when the person connected to them is gone…

The Idiot Test

I am 18% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

Feeling Impatient

I got my domain name yesterday, and hopefully I can soon find someone to help me get a small website and a wordpress blog up on it. I don't need much space, just enough for the blog and some writing projects. The problem is once I have hosting I still dont know how to make a website, so it's also gonna take finding someone who does know how. Pfft…just wish I wasn't so clueless about this stuff sometimes.

Self Editing

I've sat here today for a good portion of the afternoon and evening self editing some of the older blog entries I posted. I will admit when angry I still struggle with quite the case of pottymouth, so I've been trying to go back though and correct that. I think I'm discovering that there is a way to vent the exact same feelings without all of the cursing, more constructively you might say. I am going to try to do that from now on. Before I can expect anything to change, I guess I have to start with changing me.

I'm sure all of you are aware by now that I have had a difficult time of things the last few months. A two year relationship with someone I truly loved, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, ended in mid December when I discovered that he had been unfaithful. Though I would have forgiven and forgotten, he chose instead to end the relationship, choosing to move on with the girl he had the affair with.

I did import a lot of the entries from January into my blog today, along with this mornings post, as a way to remind myself, now that he is somewhat trying to get into my good graces again, just why I need to not allow myself to fall into that emotional trap. If I said I didn't still love him, I'd be a bold faced liar, a part of me always will. I cannot allow my feeling to over rule my better judgement, as badly as my heart really wants to. Just because I love him, does not mean this relationship is healthy for me. Even if he did return, he would never be faithful, so there would always be doubt. He would never have my trust again, without his parting words and actions in the back of my mind, that's no life to have with anyone. If he had ever really loved me, he could never have hurt me that way.

Part of me knows the only reason he keeps in contact is because he knows i still care. In all honesty I think he just wants me to fall back on as a temporary fix when things are going bad with Amy, or the other girls he his presently persuing. I know this because he never calls when things are going well for him, only when hes bored, and when hes gone weeks at a time without getting some. Sometimes i just wish he'd have rather not called at all. All it does is get me crying again, and keep him in the back of my mind. I don't know if i will ever be truly over him, but someday I hope so.

Out There Somewhere

I sit alone again tonight,

Staring at the full moon's gaze,

Wondering if you're out there somewhere,

Thinking of me as you do the same.

It seems I've spent a thousand lifetimes,

In your arms, In my mind.

But in the morning I'll awaken,

Without the love I just can't find.

I know you're out there somwhere.

I lay here in the full moon's light.

I think of you and close my eyes,

And though I see you plain as day,

In my search for you, I'm lost and blind.

It seems it's been a thousand lifetimes.

If its crazy I don't care.

I've been so many years,

So deep in love,

With someone who isn't really there.

I know you're out there somewhere.

I lay down my head tonight,

And saw your face inside a dream.

You told me never to give up,

That someday you would come for me.

So I'm here alone again,

Wondering how long I must wait.

Against all odds,

I do what you tell me,

Hold on one more day, and just have faith.

I know you're out there somewhere.

Questions Neverending

I feel so lost,

Sometimes it seems the world is ending

I am left questioning,

Is this the end or the beginning?

These thoughts they spin inside my head,

The flow of questions neverending.

What is your motivation?

Who is this I see in front of me?

Is there a mask you hide behind?

Are you what you claim to be?

Show me who you are inside,

I refuse to live on dreams.

The lies some tell.

Are only serving their own ending.

Pay them no attention,

The truth has its way of winning.

All is shown in its own sweet time.

Be sure the message that you're sending.

From time to time,

They play through my mind.

The questions I refuse to ask.

You can lie to me,

And I'd never know.

The one thing I can't do is lie to myself.

I had my chance,

To tell you everything today,

But looking in your eyes I got lost,

I let the chance just slip away.

Though not blind, you have my trust.

I will chance broken heart, and hell to pay.